Springtime At Last
by otomemiyakatsumi331
Summary: You were the sunlight in an eternal summer, and I'm trapped in winter snow without you. How can I thaw my heart when you're gone? Shizu/Kaori and Shizu/Nagisa. Oneshot.


I deluded myself, lied to myself. I pushed all negative thoughts away from my mind until we were out of time. At first, we were flying high above the clouds, above that far off, hard reality. Then the cold came and you began to talk with such lighthearted fatalism. It riddled my heart with tiny holes each time I heard you say 'When I die...'. Just enough to let the warmth seep out slowly.  
But before that, we were reckless and free. There are things I regret, things I wish we could have waited for, but when your time is measured in months instead of years you forget your inhibitions and your reasons for waiting. I'm glad I now have this tree as our special place, but I wish that our first time hadn't been in the cold. Our love should have been warm, like the inside of the greenhouse. I think that would have been perfect, had we only had the time; surrounded by silky flower-scents, warm and earthy, with the sky over head, and no cold winds coming to ruin our heat. So many times we loved in your room, but that wasn't right either. The lights were off, the starlight from outside was white-and-blue, it was so chilly, and there were always the machines watching us. The color of the love I felt for you, the color our love should have been, was yellow-and-green. The color of afternoon sunlight poking through trees. It's the color I see now as I stand beneath our tree. It's May now. This was our time, the time when flowers bloomed and sunlight lasted forever.  
We were careless, not wanting to think about the future, and what color it would be. We only thought about now and how our love was powerful enough to get us through anything. The Etoile seemed like the ultimate achievement, the vow of love. When I was with you, even the frigid blue-white seemed like a warm color, like the perfect color for us. I think of it now and I regret everything. These past months without you have been unbearable. This was supposed to be our great partnership. You were my companion, but now I face the reminder every day that you're gone. Blue-and-white is sad. I wish I could go back and change everything so it was warm and brown and gold and green. I would sit with you beneath this tree and make beautiful, warm memories in the sun. I would do anything to change our color, because you deserved to have light in your life. You deserved better than me and all of my cold memories.  
I can't do this. It hurts too much to just sit here and wish to go back. It feels like I've disappeared on the inside, like I'm just a skin that's been sucked dry.  
It's beautiful here. I want you here. I want you sitting in a patch of sunlight, soaking up the life it offers. I wish I could have seen your skin here, your hair here, your eyes here. I wish I could die here.  
If I really tried hard enough, maybe my heart would just stop. I'm so exhausted, I think I could do it. I want so badly to see you, I think that alone is enough to stop my heart. I'll just close my eyes and...  
You see, I never realize these things until they've already begun. One day, plodding along in life just like any other day and someone steps in front of you and changes your path forever.  
My eyes snap open as I see a girl come crashing into the clearing. She is shocked for a moment and then backs away from me, her bag held protectively in front of her face. She lowers it warily.  
Red hair. Maroon eyes. Her face reminds me of you and that hurts. Yet I still find myself picking up the charm that fell off on the impact. I hand it to her, and I talk to her. Why? This tree, this yellow-and-green place was supposed to be ours. Yet, this girl; this loud, clumsy, bumbling, adorable, beautiful girl seems to belong here in the fading afternoon sun. A blush tinges her cheeks and I feel my heart beat faster. And I finally realize.  
Our color was always white-blue,like the winter, like the stars, la Etoile.  
But it's time to begin the spring.


End file.
